Steal My Show

For the past several weeks my radio stations have been playing a lot of the new Toby Mac song "Steal My Show."  When they first started playing it I kinda dismissed it because the song is being sung from the artist's perspective, about how he wants God to take center stage and be the Star of his concerts.  Doesn't relate to someone who isn't a performer, right?

Wrong.

The more I listened to the lyrics, the more they penetrated my soul, and the more I realized this could be my new theme song, or at the very least another song in the soundtrack of my life.

As Christians, each one of our lives is on display for the world to see.  We may not be singing in a crowded auditorium full of fans who are singing along to our songs, but we are showcasing God's work in our lives and demonstrating the love of Christ to those around us. 

Earlier this week I was reading in The One Year Book of Hope and this part really struck me:

"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less."  John 3:30 (NLT)  That's what it's all about, isn't it?  Shouldn't this be the joy and passion of our lives?  For Jesus to become bigger in our estimation and in the eyes of the world?  For Jesus to shine brighter than any other star in the universe, including our own?  For Jesus to take the throne He deserves in the heavens and in our hearts?  It's what we want and yet there's a rub.  For Jesus to become greater, we must become less. Our agenda must become less important so His agenda can chart our course.  Our earthly appetites must be subdued so our appetite for Him can be unleashed.  Our afflictions must leave center stage so that His love for the world can be made visible in us and through us. 

My agenda for so many years was trying to get pregnant -- something that is seemingly easy for most of the world, yet it was elusive and ultimately impossible for me.  There was nothing "wrong" with my agenda, as trying to achieve pregnancy is a very natural and normal thing for a woman.  However, my agenda wasn't God's plan for me, and it needed to become less important so that His could take precedence.

Now here I am, smack dab in the middle of this amazing story that God had planned the whole time.  I would have never chosen to walk the path of infertility for 8 long years, and I certainly wouldn't have chosen surrogacy as the way I am to become a mother.  I'm totally blown away that we're here, because deep down I don't think I ever truly believed it would work.  But God knew.  He's known all along. 

I have questioned God and cried out to Him so many times along the way, and I'm probably not done since this a very complex and emotional place to be.  But it's not my "show."  It's His.  And it's time for me to step out of the way and let Him shine.

praise {whether I feel like it or not}

I love country music.  I grew up in a very conservative church and home, so listening to any music that had a {gasp} *drum beat* was forbidden.  When my sister and I were in jr. high, we got a little rebellious and started listening to country music on the sly.  Our parents eventually found out and weren't happy, but like all good parents they gave in.  ;)  Well, my dad didn't but I think he realized he'd already lost us to "the world" so there wasn't any point in fighting.  Or something like that.  (Love you, Dad!)

Anyway...  When I went away to college I was introduced to the new-to-me genre of Contemporary Christian Music and I was hooked.  Dad can blame all my Bible college buddies for that addiction.  ;)  I still listened to a lot of country music over the course of the next several years, but my music "diet" was much more balanced and varied.

A few years ago when our infertility struggle was at its worst (or so I thought!)  I made a purposeful decision to start primarily listening to Christian music.  Since then there have been MANY times when I haven't felt like listening to songs of praise and worship, but I forced myself anyway and consistently found my mood would improve after just one or two songs. That's proof to me right there that there's power in the lyrics of music.

Which brings me to today.  Currently I am at the lowest of lows, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually...  I am completely overwhelmed and burdened down by everything that is going on in our lives right now.  Scott hasn't been able to find a job.  Our house in KC will not sell.  A close family friend passed away unexpectedly last month.  We won't be seeing our families for the holidays.  I have ovarian cysts that are causing a lot of pain (which is one reason why I'm having a full hysterectomy next month).  Our finances are shot and we'll soon be buried in medical bills.  My depression and anxiety are at an all-time high.

It's just too much.

Yet today I found myself humming a tune, and before I even realized what I was doing I started quietly singing the words:  "You make all things work together for my good."  Repeatedly.

This is why I made the switch. 

Right now I'm not even listening to Christian music as consistently, yet it's still ingrained in my head.  Music is tricky like that -- getting stuck in your head whether you want it there or not.  Obviously in this case that's a very good thing since so much of Christian music is taken straight from Scripture.  What's better than having the Word of God constantly running through your head?

Even on days when I don't feel like praising Him, I find the words on my lips... and consequently they eventually make their way to my heart.

It's not a magic cure.  It doesn't change anything about my situation, but it does change my outlook.  It's hard to wallow in self-pity when you are continually reminded of the truths in the Bible.  Not that I don't still have bad days.  Trust me, I do.  I've had a lot of bad days lately.

Life is not easy, but I am a firm believer that it's easier with God.  So I will continue to rest on His promises and choose to believe the words that fill my head on a daily basis.  And I'll keep praising my Savior, whether I feel like it or not, because He gave me the greatest gift of all.

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28 (ESV)

Lord, I've never been so weary...

These days I often find myself weighed down by the circumstances of my life.  Besides the usual work and house stuff, I'm now responsible for even more duties at home, plus trying the get the house ready to sell so that I can join my husband in Florida.

Then of course there's the ever-present burden of infertility.  Sometimes this journey feels like it's draining the very life out of me, especially when I stop and think about how long we've been on this road.  Six years.  Six years of waiting, hoping, praying, begging, pleading, treating, spending...  all to no avail. 

Last month was the one-year anniversary of our one-and-only IVF cycle (invitro fertilization). Many people go through IVF as a last-ditch effort. Due to my age and deteriorating reproductive system, it was our only shot.  Unfortunately, it didn't work, and my heart aches every day for the children we lost.  There are many times when it takes all my strength just to get through the day without dissolving into tears.    

Frequently when I find myself this weary, I breathe the words of the Mark Schultz song, He Is, as a prayer:

"Father let the world just fade away.
Let me feel your presence in this place.
Lord, I've never been so weary;
How I need to know You're near me..."

One thing I've noticed is that whenever I pray, "Lord, I've never been so weary," it's not long before I'm singing/praying it again, and I'm even more weary than the previous time. It's hard not to wonder if I will ever get to the point where I'm not continuing to get more and more weary...

I'm not going to lie and say I'm content with where I am in life right now. I am in a dark, sad place, and I'm often totally engulfed by my sorrow.  I'm tired of feeling this way; it's exhausting.  Just when I think I'm not strong enough to go through this anymore, it dawns on me that I don't have to be. 

I am not alone.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

I do not have to be strong enough.  

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:29


"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."
Psalm 46:1


"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Why is it that I always seem to forget these things? Why do I give my problems to Him, but then promptly take them back and try to manage them myself? When am I going to learn that He will carry my burdens for me, if I let Him?

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you." Psalm 55:22

That Mark Schultz song continues,

"Father, let the world just fade away,
'Til I'm on my knees...
'Til my heart can sing:
He is,
He was,
He always will be. 
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me,
Be still, my soul... He is."

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me...

Even when I am trying to deal with things through my own strength...

Even when I don't understand why my life has turned out this way...


Jesus is holding me.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

He Is With You

I have a playlist in my iTunes called "Soundtrack of My Life."  There are only two requirements for a song to be added to this list:  1 - it must be Christian, and 2 - the lyrics are my heart's cry.  Of course the playlist is frequently changing as my heart's cry also changes.  I turn to these whenever I have dark days, and they encourage me like nothing else can.  Music is therapy for me.  So are my dogs, but that's a topic for another day.   ;)

When I decided to rejoin the blogging world, I debated for quite a while on what to call this place where I would attempt to process my thoughts into words.  I wanted something with meaning, but didn't want to come across as someone without hope, even though hope was something I was struggling with at the time (and often still do).  Since music is such a vital part of my life, it was natural for me to start thinking about some of my favorite songs and the key phrases in those songs.

The name of my blog comes from the scripture Psalm 30:5:  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  There are times I feel like I'm hanging on to that verse for dear life.  Even though I may cry now, joy is coming.  It will not always be this dark.  There is light at the end of this tunnel.

I got the exact phrase, "joy will come in the morning," from the song "He Is With You" by Christian singer Mandisa.  But the primary message of this song is that God is always with me, no matter what I am facing in my life -- even when I feel like He isn't listening. 

Sometimes I struggle with feeling like God doesn't hear my prayers.  Not just my prayers, but the prayers of those whom I hold most dear.  Recently I was reading a devotional from The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, which "just happened" to be about God being Jehovah-Shammah: The Lord is There.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"The God who made us walks beside us in the highest and lowest points of life, and even in death.  Ultimately, this is the greatest promise and one of His most precious names, because experiencing the reality of His presence with us is our most profound need.  But I must admit, there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me.  It has seemed like a cop-out answer when He wasn't doing something for me.  I have wanted what He has to offer more than I have wanted Him.  Part of my problem is that I resist slowing down enough to simply enjoy His presence...  He is there, but I've missed Him."  

Convicting, no?  If His presence with me is my most profound need, then why don't I live that way?  The reason is because it's not something that comes natural to me.  My human nature would rather wallow in self-pity and focus on how my heart's deepest desire has been denied over and over again, even though the harsh reality is that this life isn't about me and what God should do for me. 

God owes me nothing. 

The only thing I truly deserve is to spend eternity in hell, yet God chose to graciously give me eternal life through the death of his Son!  This is a reminder I need to hear on a daily basis, especially when my mind wants to focus on specific prayers that have gone unanswered. My heartache and perceived needs are very small when viewed in the light of eternity.  Life on this earth is not about my happiness, nor is it about my pain.

I'm not saying God doesn't care about these things; He truly does!  That's one of the awesome characteristics of God.  He cares about every detail of my insignificant life and is with me each step of the way.  And that's a really good thing, because I couldn't walk this journey without Him.  I am incredibly thankful I don't have to.  His presence is my most profound need.
 
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

He Is With You

There's a time to live
And a time to die
There's a time to laugh
And a time to cry

There's a time for war
And a time for peace
There's a hand to hold
In the worst of things
In the worst of things

He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can't even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby's gone
And your house is still
And your hearts are stone
Crying "God what'd you do that for?"
He is with you

There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There's a time to run
And a time to face it
There's love to seek
Through all of this
Through all of this

He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don't know you anymore
And He is with you in the ICU when the doctors don't know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

We may weep for a time but joy will come in the morning
The morning light

He is with you when your kids are grown
When there's too much space and you feel alone
And you're worried if you got it right or wrong
Yes He is with you when you've given up on ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home
He is with you

When nothing else is left
And you take your final breath
He is with you