Steal My Show

For the past several weeks my radio stations have been playing a lot of the new Toby Mac song "Steal My Show."  When they first started playing it I kinda dismissed it because the song is being sung from the artist's perspective, about how he wants God to take center stage and be the Star of his concerts.  Doesn't relate to someone who isn't a performer, right?

Wrong.

The more I listened to the lyrics, the more they penetrated my soul, and the more I realized this could be my new theme song, or at the very least another song in the soundtrack of my life.

As Christians, each one of our lives is on display for the world to see.  We may not be singing in a crowded auditorium full of fans who are singing along to our songs, but we are showcasing God's work in our lives and demonstrating the love of Christ to those around us. 

Earlier this week I was reading in The One Year Book of Hope and this part really struck me:

"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less."  John 3:30 (NLT)  That's what it's all about, isn't it?  Shouldn't this be the joy and passion of our lives?  For Jesus to become bigger in our estimation and in the eyes of the world?  For Jesus to shine brighter than any other star in the universe, including our own?  For Jesus to take the throne He deserves in the heavens and in our hearts?  It's what we want and yet there's a rub.  For Jesus to become greater, we must become less. Our agenda must become less important so His agenda can chart our course.  Our earthly appetites must be subdued so our appetite for Him can be unleashed.  Our afflictions must leave center stage so that His love for the world can be made visible in us and through us. 

My agenda for so many years was trying to get pregnant -- something that is seemingly easy for most of the world, yet it was elusive and ultimately impossible for me.  There was nothing "wrong" with my agenda, as trying to achieve pregnancy is a very natural and normal thing for a woman.  However, my agenda wasn't God's plan for me, and it needed to become less important so that His could take precedence.

Now here I am, smack dab in the middle of this amazing story that God had planned the whole time.  I would have never chosen to walk the path of infertility for 8 long years, and I certainly wouldn't have chosen surrogacy as the way I am to become a mother.  I'm totally blown away that we're here, because deep down I don't think I ever truly believed it would work.  But God knew.  He's known all along. 

I have questioned God and cried out to Him so many times along the way, and I'm probably not done since this a very complex and emotional place to be.  But it's not my "show."  It's His.  And it's time for me to step out of the way and let Him shine.

Lord, I've never been so weary...

These days I often find myself weighed down by the circumstances of my life.  Besides the usual work and house stuff, I'm now responsible for even more duties at home, plus trying the get the house ready to sell so that I can join my husband in Florida.

Then of course there's the ever-present burden of infertility.  Sometimes this journey feels like it's draining the very life out of me, especially when I stop and think about how long we've been on this road.  Six years.  Six years of waiting, hoping, praying, begging, pleading, treating, spending...  all to no avail. 

Last month was the one-year anniversary of our one-and-only IVF cycle (invitro fertilization). Many people go through IVF as a last-ditch effort. Due to my age and deteriorating reproductive system, it was our only shot.  Unfortunately, it didn't work, and my heart aches every day for the children we lost.  There are many times when it takes all my strength just to get through the day without dissolving into tears.    

Frequently when I find myself this weary, I breathe the words of the Mark Schultz song, He Is, as a prayer:

"Father let the world just fade away.
Let me feel your presence in this place.
Lord, I've never been so weary;
How I need to know You're near me..."

One thing I've noticed is that whenever I pray, "Lord, I've never been so weary," it's not long before I'm singing/praying it again, and I'm even more weary than the previous time. It's hard not to wonder if I will ever get to the point where I'm not continuing to get more and more weary...

I'm not going to lie and say I'm content with where I am in life right now. I am in a dark, sad place, and I'm often totally engulfed by my sorrow.  I'm tired of feeling this way; it's exhausting.  Just when I think I'm not strong enough to go through this anymore, it dawns on me that I don't have to be. 

I am not alone.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

I do not have to be strong enough.  

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:29


"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."
Psalm 46:1


"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Why is it that I always seem to forget these things? Why do I give my problems to Him, but then promptly take them back and try to manage them myself? When am I going to learn that He will carry my burdens for me, if I let Him?

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you." Psalm 55:22

That Mark Schultz song continues,

"Father, let the world just fade away,
'Til I'm on my knees...
'Til my heart can sing:
He is,
He was,
He always will be. 
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me,
Be still, my soul... He is."

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me...

Even when I am trying to deal with things through my own strength...

Even when I don't understand why my life has turned out this way...


Jesus is holding me.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

He Is With You

I have a playlist in my iTunes called "Soundtrack of My Life."  There are only two requirements for a song to be added to this list:  1 - it must be Christian, and 2 - the lyrics are my heart's cry.  Of course the playlist is frequently changing as my heart's cry also changes.  I turn to these whenever I have dark days, and they encourage me like nothing else can.  Music is therapy for me.  So are my dogs, but that's a topic for another day.   ;)

When I decided to rejoin the blogging world, I debated for quite a while on what to call this place where I would attempt to process my thoughts into words.  I wanted something with meaning, but didn't want to come across as someone without hope, even though hope was something I was struggling with at the time (and often still do).  Since music is such a vital part of my life, it was natural for me to start thinking about some of my favorite songs and the key phrases in those songs.

The name of my blog comes from the scripture Psalm 30:5:  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  There are times I feel like I'm hanging on to that verse for dear life.  Even though I may cry now, joy is coming.  It will not always be this dark.  There is light at the end of this tunnel.

I got the exact phrase, "joy will come in the morning," from the song "He Is With You" by Christian singer Mandisa.  But the primary message of this song is that God is always with me, no matter what I am facing in my life -- even when I feel like He isn't listening. 

Sometimes I struggle with feeling like God doesn't hear my prayers.  Not just my prayers, but the prayers of those whom I hold most dear.  Recently I was reading a devotional from The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, which "just happened" to be about God being Jehovah-Shammah: The Lord is There.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"The God who made us walks beside us in the highest and lowest points of life, and even in death.  Ultimately, this is the greatest promise and one of His most precious names, because experiencing the reality of His presence with us is our most profound need.  But I must admit, there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me.  It has seemed like a cop-out answer when He wasn't doing something for me.  I have wanted what He has to offer more than I have wanted Him.  Part of my problem is that I resist slowing down enough to simply enjoy His presence...  He is there, but I've missed Him."  

Convicting, no?  If His presence with me is my most profound need, then why don't I live that way?  The reason is because it's not something that comes natural to me.  My human nature would rather wallow in self-pity and focus on how my heart's deepest desire has been denied over and over again, even though the harsh reality is that this life isn't about me and what God should do for me. 

God owes me nothing. 

The only thing I truly deserve is to spend eternity in hell, yet God chose to graciously give me eternal life through the death of his Son!  This is a reminder I need to hear on a daily basis, especially when my mind wants to focus on specific prayers that have gone unanswered. My heartache and perceived needs are very small when viewed in the light of eternity.  Life on this earth is not about my happiness, nor is it about my pain.

I'm not saying God doesn't care about these things; He truly does!  That's one of the awesome characteristics of God.  He cares about every detail of my insignificant life and is with me each step of the way.  And that's a really good thing, because I couldn't walk this journey without Him.  I am incredibly thankful I don't have to.  His presence is my most profound need.
 
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

He Is With You

There's a time to live
And a time to die
There's a time to laugh
And a time to cry

There's a time for war
And a time for peace
There's a hand to hold
In the worst of things
In the worst of things

He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can't even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby's gone
And your house is still
And your hearts are stone
Crying "God what'd you do that for?"
He is with you

There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There's a time to run
And a time to face it
There's love to seek
Through all of this
Through all of this

He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don't know you anymore
And He is with you in the ICU when the doctors don't know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

We may weep for a time but joy will come in the morning
The morning light

He is with you when your kids are grown
When there's too much space and you feel alone
And you're worried if you got it right or wrong
Yes He is with you when you've given up on ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home
He is with you

When nothing else is left
And you take your final breath
He is with you

My One Word: The Un-Resolution

Here it is the beginning of the first full week of January, and I'm finally finishing up a post I've been working on since the beginning of this month.  Procrastinate much??

I can't remember the last time I made a New Year's resolution. I know people who take great joy in starting a fresh list of things they'd like to accomplish in the new year...  but that kind of thing doesn't work for me. 

At the beginning of last year, I heard about My One Word on the radio.  I remember thinking it was a good idea, but didn't give it much thought after that.  This year several of my friends have decided to participate, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

In case you're not familiar with the concept, here's a little blurb from the My One Word website:

It’s okay to want to be a better you—and the New Year is a natural time to start. The question is, how? My One Word replaces broken promises with a vision for real change. When you choose a single word, you have a single focus. You are moving toward the future rather than swearing off the past.

With My One Word, you’re right where God wants you: in His hands. And it’s not an extreme makeover we’re talking about. This year, the goal is to see His work in one area of your life.

I'd been wanting to find my word since the first of the year, but never really took the time to think and pray about it until a couple weeks ago.  One morning as I was driving to work, I asked God to show me my word just as Steven Curtis Chapman's "Great Expectations" came on the radio.  I've heard this song so many times, I didn't even pay attention...  until I heard the words to the chorus:

Believe the unbelievable
Receive the inconceivable
And see beyond my wildest imagination
Lord, I come with great expectations

And there it was.  Believe.

To be honest, I struggle with believing.  My heart knows what is true, but oftentimes my head just can't get on the same page.  I so desperately want my mind to be in sync with my heart, but I'm constantly fighting it.  It's my nature to over-analyze, rationalize, worry, question...

I'm facing things in my life that are harder than anything I ever imagined.  And not a day goes by that I don't wonder why.  I am confident I'll get through this.  I know things won't always seem so hopeless.  I know God is good and can work miracles.

Merriam-Webster defines "believe" like this: to accept something as true, genuine, or real; to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something.

I wish it was my nature to trust and believe.  But it's not in anyone's nature.  Believing is a choice.  When someone becomes a Christian, they choose to believe that Jesus died for their sins.  Those who believe that God does not exist are choosing to believe this way. 

Believing is a conscious decision.  Not everyone who is facing difficult situations in life will choose to believe that God is faithful and hasn't abandoned them.  But I do.  I choose to believe that God has a plan in all of this, and that He knows what He's doing.  I choose to believe that He holds my future, and that His promises are true.  I choose to believe that He is able to do immeasurably more than anything I could ever ask for or imagine.  I believe.

I Believe In Love (by BarlowGirl)

How long will my prayers seem unanswered
Is there still faith in me to reach the end
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
Its only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this Life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪

Not Forsaken

In case you haven't noticed, music is an essential part of my life.  It ministers to my soul like nothing else -- which is why I decided last year that I needed to switch to a mostly-Christian-music "diet."  I don't know if I could have survived without it. 

Okay.  Perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration... but you know what I mean.  ;o)

So much of my focus has been on music that is currently played on the radio, I had almost forgotten about some of the "oldies" that were staples in the house where I grew up.  My mom reminded me of a couple of those songs today, which I promptly purchased in iTunes tonight.  They're not by the same artist I sang along with as a little girl -- who, ironically, now sings opera (a genre that I do not enjoy.  At.  All.). 

Anyway...  :o)

This afternoon I asked my mom to tell me about a time which she considered to be the hardest in her life -- a time when she wondered if things were ever going to improve, since that's where I find myself now.  After she shared her answer, she said that when she was going through her lowest point she "lived" this song:

Praise the Lord
(Brown Bannister, Mike Hudson)

When you're up against a struggle
That shatters all your dreams
And your hopes have been cruelly crushed
By Satan's manifested scheme
And you feel the urge within you
To submit to earthly fears
Don't let the faith you're standing in, seem to disappear

(Chorus)

Praise the Lord
He can work through those who praise Him,
Praise the Lord
For our God inhabits praise,
Praise the Lord
For the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him

Talk about hitting home.  Struggles?  Check.  Shattered dreams?  Check, check.  Cruelly crushed hopes?  Check, check, check.  I can't tell you how many times I listened to this song tonight, with tears streaming down my face.  "For the chains that seem to bind you, serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you when you praise Him!" 

As if that wasn't convicting enough, my Mother Dearest later emailed me the name of another song that I had forgotten, which was also on that same cassette tape:

I've Never Seen the Righteous Forsaken
(Dallas Holm)

O, I know you may get weary,
And the times they may get rough.
You may not have all you want,
But you'll always have enough.
And when your darkest hour comes,
Just remember what I said:
I've never seen the righteous forsaken,
Or their seed begging for bread!

O, I know it seems so hopeless,
And you don't know what to pray.
You've done all you know to do,
And it seems there's just no way.
And when you feel you're at the end,
Just remember what I said:
I've never seen the righteous forsaken,
Or their seed begging for bread!

I've never seen God's people
With a need that He could not meet!
I know that He cares for His own,
And His promises He'll keep.

So just hold on a little longer
The answer's soon to come.
The endless waiting's almost over,
The victory's almost won.
And when again you feel His joy,
You'll remember what I said:
I've never seen the righteous forsaken,
Or their seed begging for bread!

I am not forsaken.  That's straight from the Bible, friends.  Psalm 37:25 says, "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." 

Sometimes it's hard to remember this truth when the ugliness of life smacks you right in the face.  But God is bigger than this life.  And He has NOT forsaken me. 

Take that, Satan.  I refuse to believe your lies.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

I Believe

When I wrote about my favorite Christmas songs last week, I completely forgot about this one by Natalie Grant.  It is a moving and powerful song that beautifully tells of both the birth and death of my Savior.

but it's more than a fable... 

and it’s more than a fairytale... 

and more than my mind can conceive...

It is important not to forget why He came -- to die for you and me. 

I ♥ Christmas Music

If you were to ask me to name my favorite Christmas song, I couldn’t do it.  There are just too many to choose from!  I mean, aside from the bazillion individual songs, we have even more versions of those songs by even more artists.  And of course there are so many styles of Christmas music… How can anyone simply choose ONE song??

In keeping with the spirit of the season, I've decided to break down my favorite Christmas music for you in Top 3s, along with my preferred versions of each song.   

* Please note that favorites are subject to change as new music is released and/or blog author’s tastes develop.  ;o)

Christmas carols:

1. Silent Night - MercyMe or Steven Curtis Chapman
2. O Come All Ye Faithful - Third Day
3. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - MercyMe or Barenaked Ladies (don’t judge me; it's an awesome version!)

Secular Christmas songs: 

1. Sleigh Ride - The Carpenters
2. Silver Bells - Steven Curtis Chapman
3. The Christmas Waltz - Frank Sinatra

Christian Christmas songs:

1. I Celebrate the Day - Relient K
2. A Strange Way to Save the World - 4HIM
3. Joseph’s Lullaby - MercyMe

Country Christmas songs: 

1. Let It Be Christmas - Alan Jackson
2. Til' Santa's Gone (Milk & Cookies) - Clint Black
3. Twist of the Magi - SheDaisy w/Rascal Flats (if you've never heard this one, you MUST check it out!)

As a general rule, I don't care much for Country Christmas songs -- at least as far as traditional carols go (I feel the same way about country versions of hymns).  Not only are they boring, but "The First Noel" just doesn't sound right with that much "twang!"  There are exceptions to this rule, of course...  A few country artists can do them justice, but they are few and far between.
 
New/Recent songs:

1. Most Beautiful Time of the Year - Beckah Shae (I seriously can't get enough of this song!)
2. Merry Christmas Baby - Beckah Shae (apparently I'm going to have to buy this Christmas album)
3. Candy Cane Christmas - Darius Rucker

Christmas albums:

1. Joy - Avalon
2. The Christmas Sessions - MercyMe
3. Music of Christmas - Steven Curtis Chapman
4. Let it Snow Baby... Let it Reindeer - Relient K
5. Let it Snow! - Michael Bublé 
6. White Christmas - Martina McBride
7. All I Really Want for Christmas - Steven Curtis Chapman
8. Christmas - Plus One 
9. Rose of Bethlehem - Selah
10. It's Christmas Time - City on a Hill
    
    Oh wait.  Was that more than 3? :o)

I also have a couple "honorable mentions" that didn't make any of the lists above...  

I never used to care for "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day," but all that changed after I attended a MercyMe Christmas concert.  Bart told the story of how the song was written, and then immediately sang the most beautiful rendition I'd ever heard.  It was very moving and changed my perspective on that song forever.  

My other "honorable mention" goes to "O Come, O Come Emmanuel."  I actually grew up despising this  hymn for a number of reasons, and it wasn't until I heard Steven Curtis Chapman's version that I fell in love with it.  I know a lot of people don't like it when "the classics" are redone, but something about hearing a new take on a song or hymn that I've heard a millions times makes it seem fresh and new to me (that's how "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" made it on my list).  Doesn't mean I'll always like that "new take," but I'm more than happy to give it a chance.

Oh, and in case you were wondering...  My top 3 least favorite Christmas songs are "Feliz Navidad" (so overplayed!), "Christmastime is Here" (whiny), and "The Christmas Shoes" (d-e-p-r-e-s-s-i-n-g).

Care to share your favorites? 

Music & Creation

I love music.  Over the past year, I have gone from a "diet" of mostly country to almost exclusively Christian music.  This shift happened gradually, and it wasn't really something I planned to do.  It stemmed from the grief I was experiencing due to my infertility.  When a Christian goes through difficult times, they tend to react in one of two ways: 1 - turn away from God, or 2 - turn toward Him.  I chose the latter, and I'm so glad I did.  I can't imagine going through those months without Him by my side, and I certainly don't want to go through any future struggles without Him.

Christian music has helped me to keep that focus.  Since music is almost a constant in my life, it's not unusual for the lyrics that I've allowed to penetrate my mind to randomly pop into my head throughout the day.  I needed those lyrics to be positive and encouraging.  I still listen to non-Christian stuff.  I didn't swear off anything and everything "worldly" (as if there was ever any question about that!).  I just feel it is important to make a conscious choice to fill my mind with lyrics that are God-honoring, worshipful, and prayerful.  Especially prayerful.  I've found so much comfort and hope in music during times when my heart was aching so badly I didn't even know how to pray.  I thank God for the songwriters He's blessed with such amazing talent - everyone from the hymnwriters of old to those of today.

Lately I've found myself drawn to songs that talk about God's creation.  Some are new; some not so new.  Here are a few of my favorites:

The classic hymn, The Love of God, was penned by Fred­er­ick M. Leh­man in the early 1900s, but has been recorded by many artists and groups over the years (my current favorite is the MercyMe version).  When I sing along with this song, I can clearly see these images in my mind, which makes it come to life even more.  I just love how picturesque this verse is:  "Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made.  Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade.  To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry; nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky."

I love the descriptiveness of the words from Phillips, Craig & Dean's Revelation Song: "Clothed in rainbows, of living color, flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder.  Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be to You the Only Wise King."

A fairly new song that is getting a lot of air time right now is Starry Night by artist Chris August: "From the birds that sing in the tallest trees, to the human life of you and me.  From the desert sands to the place we stand.  He is God of all. He is everything. I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the moon reflect the sun, every Starry Night.  That was His design." 

Perhaps the song that communicates the point of this post best is Light Up the Sky by The Afters: "You light up the sky to show me You are with me. I can't deny, no I can't deny that You are right here with me. You've opened my eyes so I can see You all around me. Light up the sky, You light up the sky to show me that You are with me."

I can't tell you how many times this last song has gone through my mind as I was driving down the road in a rain storm, watching lightning shoot across the sky.  God is powerful, my friends!  And He is there, whether we feel like He is or not.  I see Him in ever beautiful sunset, and when I watch rays of sunshine streaming through billowy clouds. I think that's why God made His creation so beautiful.  He wants us to remember He is here.  And I'm thankful for the music that helps remind me of this fact.

I'll close with these words from one of my all-time favorite hymns:

How Great Thou Art
Lyrics ~ Carl Boberg, 1859 - 1940
Stanza 1:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The works Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars,
I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy pow'r throughout
The universe displayed; 

Stanza 2:
When through the woods
And forest glades I wander
I hear the birds
Sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down
From lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook
And feel the gentle breeze; 

Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!