Steal My Show

For the past several weeks my radio stations have been playing a lot of the new Toby Mac song "Steal My Show."  When they first started playing it I kinda dismissed it because the song is being sung from the artist's perspective, about how he wants God to take center stage and be the Star of his concerts.  Doesn't relate to someone who isn't a performer, right?

Wrong.

The more I listened to the lyrics, the more they penetrated my soul, and the more I realized this could be my new theme song, or at the very least another song in the soundtrack of my life.

As Christians, each one of our lives is on display for the world to see.  We may not be singing in a crowded auditorium full of fans who are singing along to our songs, but we are showcasing God's work in our lives and demonstrating the love of Christ to those around us. 

Earlier this week I was reading in The One Year Book of Hope and this part really struck me:

"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less."  John 3:30 (NLT)  That's what it's all about, isn't it?  Shouldn't this be the joy and passion of our lives?  For Jesus to become bigger in our estimation and in the eyes of the world?  For Jesus to shine brighter than any other star in the universe, including our own?  For Jesus to take the throne He deserves in the heavens and in our hearts?  It's what we want and yet there's a rub.  For Jesus to become greater, we must become less. Our agenda must become less important so His agenda can chart our course.  Our earthly appetites must be subdued so our appetite for Him can be unleashed.  Our afflictions must leave center stage so that His love for the world can be made visible in us and through us. 

My agenda for so many years was trying to get pregnant -- something that is seemingly easy for most of the world, yet it was elusive and ultimately impossible for me.  There was nothing "wrong" with my agenda, as trying to achieve pregnancy is a very natural and normal thing for a woman.  However, my agenda wasn't God's plan for me, and it needed to become less important so that His could take precedence.

Now here I am, smack dab in the middle of this amazing story that God had planned the whole time.  I would have never chosen to walk the path of infertility for 8 long years, and I certainly wouldn't have chosen surrogacy as the way I am to become a mother.  I'm totally blown away that we're here, because deep down I don't think I ever truly believed it would work.  But God knew.  He's known all along. 

I have questioned God and cried out to Him so many times along the way, and I'm probably not done since this a very complex and emotional place to be.  But it's not my "show."  It's His.  And it's time for me to step out of the way and let Him shine.

Going Public {for real}

After years of heartache and infertility, Scott & I are overjoyed to share that we are expecting a baby via surrogacy! It was never in *our* plan to take this route to parenthood, but there is no doubt that God has clearly guided us here, as we have seen His hand each step of the way.

You can read our whole story by clicking through the "tabs" at the top of our surrogacy blog (http://carriedblog.blogspot.com/) and get a little introduction to our amazing surrogate, "Sally" (we don't use our real names for privacy purposes).

We are overwhelmed with gratefulness to Sally, to our family and friends who have supported us these past couple of years, and most of all to God. 

MAY HE BE GLORIFIED through this story and the life of our precious, long-awaited child. 

"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." - Psalm 126:3

praise {whether I feel like it or not}

I love country music.  I grew up in a very conservative church and home, so listening to any music that had a {gasp} *drum beat* was forbidden.  When my sister and I were in jr. high, we got a little rebellious and started listening to country music on the sly.  Our parents eventually found out and weren't happy, but like all good parents they gave in.  ;)  Well, my dad didn't but I think he realized he'd already lost us to "the world" so there wasn't any point in fighting.  Or something like that.  (Love you, Dad!)

Anyway...  When I went away to college I was introduced to the new-to-me genre of Contemporary Christian Music and I was hooked.  Dad can blame all my Bible college buddies for that addiction.  ;)  I still listened to a lot of country music over the course of the next several years, but my music "diet" was much more balanced and varied.

A few years ago when our infertility struggle was at its worst (or so I thought!)  I made a purposeful decision to start primarily listening to Christian music.  Since then there have been MANY times when I haven't felt like listening to songs of praise and worship, but I forced myself anyway and consistently found my mood would improve after just one or two songs. That's proof to me right there that there's power in the lyrics of music.

Which brings me to today.  Currently I am at the lowest of lows, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually...  I am completely overwhelmed and burdened down by everything that is going on in our lives right now.  Scott hasn't been able to find a job.  Our house in KC will not sell.  A close family friend passed away unexpectedly last month.  We won't be seeing our families for the holidays.  I have ovarian cysts that are causing a lot of pain (which is one reason why I'm having a full hysterectomy next month).  Our finances are shot and we'll soon be buried in medical bills.  My depression and anxiety are at an all-time high.

It's just too much.

Yet today I found myself humming a tune, and before I even realized what I was doing I started quietly singing the words:  "You make all things work together for my good."  Repeatedly.

This is why I made the switch. 

Right now I'm not even listening to Christian music as consistently, yet it's still ingrained in my head.  Music is tricky like that -- getting stuck in your head whether you want it there or not.  Obviously in this case that's a very good thing since so much of Christian music is taken straight from Scripture.  What's better than having the Word of God constantly running through your head?

Even on days when I don't feel like praising Him, I find the words on my lips... and consequently they eventually make their way to my heart.

It's not a magic cure.  It doesn't change anything about my situation, but it does change my outlook.  It's hard to wallow in self-pity when you are continually reminded of the truths in the Bible.  Not that I don't still have bad days.  Trust me, I do.  I've had a lot of bad days lately.

Life is not easy, but I am a firm believer that it's easier with God.  So I will continue to rest on His promises and choose to believe the words that fill my head on a daily basis.  And I'll keep praising my Savior, whether I feel like it or not, because He gave me the greatest gift of all.

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28 (ESV)

The Ugly Truth

Sometimes the truth is ugly.  We answer "fine" but there are many other thoughts and feelings behind that one word.  We don't tell the truth not only because it's not pretty, but because we don't think people want to hear it. 

Do you want to hear my truth?  My ugly truth?

Sometimes I just want to give up.

Sometimes I want to throw in the towel.

Sometimes I wish we could just move on with our lives.

Sometimes the thought of being on the "other side" of infertility sounds amazing... whether it's with or without children... simply because I want all of this to be over.

It's hard to have hope when you've been waiting for a number of years. It's hard to believe things will ever be different when nothing changes.  It's hard to be hopeful, even when you can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  

I'm tired of the ride.  I don't know how much longer I will have the strength to stay on this roller coaster. Call me selfish, but I NEED to know there is an end... that someday the pain will be over.

I know there will still be pain in my life. I'm am just so very weary of this pain... this sadness...

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  

I know, I know...  there's a week for everything these days, but infertility is something that is often ignored because nobody -- on either side of the equation -- wants to talk about it. 

It's painful. 
It's uncomfortable. 
It's private. 
It's personal. 

With infertility numbers on the rise, it's very likely that someone you know is affected... but  they may not be talking about it with anyone, and maybe not even admitting it to themselves.

Can I ask a favor of you? Reach out to one of these individuals and show them that you care. Don't pretend to understand their pain; just tell them you're sorry that they're hurting.  The pain of infertility is excruciating, and it changes you whether you want it to or not. 

 It's an exhausting way to live, because it's a reality that constantly weighs on you and there is no escape. 

However...  I am still thankful. 

I'm determined to praise God, even when I don't feel like it, because He is good. 

I will survive, even if I don't end up with a child in my arms.

I am not consumed.  His mercies are new every morning.  He is faithful.

  For all these things...  I am forever grateful.

grieving {with hope}

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (NIV)

Tonight I am grieving for a friend.  She is a friend whom I have never met in person and have only interacted with online, yet she is a friend I care very deeply about. My friend's name is Mandy, and she became a first-time mommy just a few days ago.  No one truly "deserves" to become a mom, but if anyone did it would be this amazing lady.  

Mandy's pregnancy came after 9 years of desperate longing, earnest praying, and medical intervention.  She was initially carrying twins, but her world came crashing down the day she found out one of her precious children had died.  Then a few months later she found out that her baby girl would need heart surgery when she was merely days old.  Mandy spent the last couple weeks of her pregnancy in the hospital, because the doctors wanted to keep her baby safely inside for as long as possible.  

This breathtakingly beautiful little girl was born on March 24, but sadly, her mother's world came crashing down again when Abigail left this earth one short week after her birth.  Mandy was able to hold tiny Abigail in her arms as she slipped away into the arms of Jesus.

Photos by Simply Pictorial

Abigail's death is one of the many things in this world that I don't understand.  How could anyone even begin to make sense of a child's death?  As one of my dearest friends recently said, "It doesn't feel right that life just goes on when a baby dies."  Since my interactions with Mandy have all been online, it's surreal to be sitting at my computer, watching my online life going on like normal while I know how very deeply she is hurting.  It felt wrong going out to dinner and watching a movie last night when I knew Mandy would be coming home with an empty womb, empty arms, and facing an empty nursery full of baby things that will never be used.   

I can't imagine that kind of heartache.  I honestly don't know how the women who have experienced the loss of a child -- at any stage -- are able to keep breathing.  I don't think I could.  Their strength is amazing to me, and yet I know this strength did not come naturally.  They have been forced to learn how to live again and learn to keep moving forward while their painful wounds are ripped open again and again with every daily reminder of all that they've lost.  

I wish I could take away, or even partially carry some of Mandy's pain.  More than anything, I wish I could bring baby Abigail back... but I am grateful for the confidence that Abigail is safe in the arms of Jesus, fully healed and perfectly whole.  I just desperately wish she could have been like that on this earth.  ♥

I'd like to think that some day we will all understand the tragedies of this life, but I tend to think we'll forget all about them when we see the face of Jesus.  Sometimes it's hard to remember that as much as it hurts now, this world and all the pain that comes with it is temporary.  Heaven is our final destination, and there will be many joyful reunions when we get there. 

Looking Ahead

It's hard to believe another year has come and gone.

We say that kind of thing at the beginning of each new year, as though it's never happened before.  Time truly does go quickly, yet it often feels like it's dragging by, especially when we're experiencing difficulties.

Like many of you, I had my fair share of those last year.  In fact, I'm fairly certain 2011 was my most difficult year yet, which frightens me since I know it's very likely that I will have more difficult years in the future.  Possibly even 2012.

But I can't live in fear of the unknown.  God is good and will help me get through whatever challenges arise in this new year, just as He has helped me get through the challenges of years past.

It's equally possible that this new year could be the best year I've ever experienced.  There's no way for any of us to know what this year will hold.  As much as I think I'd like to have a preview or some insight into my future, I don't need to know what lies ahead.  God has already seen it, and that is enough. 

Last year at this time I posted about Hope, and even though we don't have a child yet, I still believe the words from that post.  I don't quite understand what it is about the beginning of a new year that makes me feel so hopeful.  There's nothing magical about it.  January 1st is just another day on the calendar, yet it feels fresh and new. 

In some ways, relocating to Florida has felt like a fresh new start.  Not that we wanted to leave our old life... our friends... our family.  But here we are -- together! -- and that is so much better than living apart for 5 months.  Trust me.

Now that we're starting to get settled, and we have this brand new year, it's like we have a clean slate with unlimited possibilities.  Well, almost unlimited.  ;)  Do I miss my family and friends?  Absolutely.  But I also can't suppress a little excitement over what what this new year may hold for us.  And that feels pretty darn good.  :)

Happy New Year, friends!  I hope you will look forward with me.

"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back." Philippians 3:13-14 (The Message)

Lord, I've never been so weary...

These days I often find myself weighed down by the circumstances of my life.  Besides the usual work and house stuff, I'm now responsible for even more duties at home, plus trying the get the house ready to sell so that I can join my husband in Florida.

Then of course there's the ever-present burden of infertility.  Sometimes this journey feels like it's draining the very life out of me, especially when I stop and think about how long we've been on this road.  Six years.  Six years of waiting, hoping, praying, begging, pleading, treating, spending...  all to no avail. 

Last month was the one-year anniversary of our one-and-only IVF cycle (invitro fertilization). Many people go through IVF as a last-ditch effort. Due to my age and deteriorating reproductive system, it was our only shot.  Unfortunately, it didn't work, and my heart aches every day for the children we lost.  There are many times when it takes all my strength just to get through the day without dissolving into tears.    

Frequently when I find myself this weary, I breathe the words of the Mark Schultz song, He Is, as a prayer:

"Father let the world just fade away.
Let me feel your presence in this place.
Lord, I've never been so weary;
How I need to know You're near me..."

One thing I've noticed is that whenever I pray, "Lord, I've never been so weary," it's not long before I'm singing/praying it again, and I'm even more weary than the previous time. It's hard not to wonder if I will ever get to the point where I'm not continuing to get more and more weary...

I'm not going to lie and say I'm content with where I am in life right now. I am in a dark, sad place, and I'm often totally engulfed by my sorrow.  I'm tired of feeling this way; it's exhausting.  Just when I think I'm not strong enough to go through this anymore, it dawns on me that I don't have to be. 

I am not alone.

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

I do not have to be strong enough.  

"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:29


"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."
Psalm 46:1


"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Why is it that I always seem to forget these things? Why do I give my problems to Him, but then promptly take them back and try to manage them myself? When am I going to learn that He will carry my burdens for me, if I let Him?

"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you." Psalm 55:22

That Mark Schultz song continues,

"Father, let the world just fade away,
'Til I'm on my knees...
'Til my heart can sing:
He is,
He was,
He always will be. 
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me,
Be still, my soul... He is."

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me...

Even when I am trying to deal with things through my own strength...

Even when I don't understand why my life has turned out this way...


Jesus is holding me.

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

He Is With You

I have a playlist in my iTunes called "Soundtrack of My Life."  There are only two requirements for a song to be added to this list:  1 - it must be Christian, and 2 - the lyrics are my heart's cry.  Of course the playlist is frequently changing as my heart's cry also changes.  I turn to these whenever I have dark days, and they encourage me like nothing else can.  Music is therapy for me.  So are my dogs, but that's a topic for another day.   ;)

When I decided to rejoin the blogging world, I debated for quite a while on what to call this place where I would attempt to process my thoughts into words.  I wanted something with meaning, but didn't want to come across as someone without hope, even though hope was something I was struggling with at the time (and often still do).  Since music is such a vital part of my life, it was natural for me to start thinking about some of my favorite songs and the key phrases in those songs.

The name of my blog comes from the scripture Psalm 30:5:  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  There are times I feel like I'm hanging on to that verse for dear life.  Even though I may cry now, joy is coming.  It will not always be this dark.  There is light at the end of this tunnel.

I got the exact phrase, "joy will come in the morning," from the song "He Is With You" by Christian singer Mandisa.  But the primary message of this song is that God is always with me, no matter what I am facing in my life -- even when I feel like He isn't listening. 

Sometimes I struggle with feeling like God doesn't hear my prayers.  Not just my prayers, but the prayers of those whom I hold most dear.  Recently I was reading a devotional from The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, which "just happened" to be about God being Jehovah-Shammah: The Lord is There.

Here is an excerpt from the book:

"The God who made us walks beside us in the highest and lowest points of life, and even in death.  Ultimately, this is the greatest promise and one of His most precious names, because experiencing the reality of His presence with us is our most profound need.  But I must admit, there have been times the promise of 'God with me' hasn't felt like enough for me.  It has seemed like a cop-out answer when He wasn't doing something for me.  I have wanted what He has to offer more than I have wanted Him.  Part of my problem is that I resist slowing down enough to simply enjoy His presence...  He is there, but I've missed Him."  

Convicting, no?  If His presence with me is my most profound need, then why don't I live that way?  The reason is because it's not something that comes natural to me.  My human nature would rather wallow in self-pity and focus on how my heart's deepest desire has been denied over and over again, even though the harsh reality is that this life isn't about me and what God should do for me. 

God owes me nothing. 

The only thing I truly deserve is to spend eternity in hell, yet God chose to graciously give me eternal life through the death of his Son!  This is a reminder I need to hear on a daily basis, especially when my mind wants to focus on specific prayers that have gone unanswered. My heartache and perceived needs are very small when viewed in the light of eternity.  Life on this earth is not about my happiness, nor is it about my pain.

I'm not saying God doesn't care about these things; He truly does!  That's one of the awesome characteristics of God.  He cares about every detail of my insignificant life and is with me each step of the way.  And that's a really good thing, because I couldn't walk this journey without Him.  I am incredibly thankful I don't have to.  His presence is my most profound need.
 
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

He Is With You

There's a time to live
And a time to die
There's a time to laugh
And a time to cry

There's a time for war
And a time for peace
There's a hand to hold
In the worst of things
In the worst of things

He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can't even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn't kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby's gone
And your house is still
And your hearts are stone
Crying "God what'd you do that for?"
He is with you

There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There's a time to run
And a time to face it
There's love to seek
Through all of this
Through all of this

He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don't know you anymore
And He is with you in the ICU when the doctors don't know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

We may weep for a time but joy will come in the morning
The morning light

He is with you when your kids are grown
When there's too much space and you feel alone
And you're worried if you got it right or wrong
Yes He is with you when you've given up on ever finding your true love
Someone who feels like home
He is with you

When nothing else is left
And you take your final breath
He is with you

More to This Life

Every morning I begrudgingly wake up, crawl out of bed, and begin another day of life as I know it.  It's far from exciting, this life I lead.  Not by my own choosing, mind you.  I wish my days were full of chaos and noise as I try to get my kids ready for school.  I would love to jump out of bed on a run each day because I don't know how in the world I will be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done.  I want to pack lunches, wipe runny noses, break up fights, go to PTA meetings, be a full-time chauffeur, plan birthday parties, face a mountain of never-ending laundry... the whole nine yards.  THAT was the life I always dreamed of.  I know that very few people are truly living the life of their dreams, but it does seem like most are able to at the very least become parents. 

But not me.  And not many of the sweet ladies who read this blog.  What we long for, we cannot obtain. 

When I was growing up, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom.  I do believe in my heart that some day this will happen, but I also know that there are no guarantees.  My journey thus far has been vastly different from what I expected, and God's plan for my life could very well continue to be different from my own. 

To be completely honest, most days I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Life continues to go on around me as I struggle to make it through yet another day. When you are living with infertility, it feels very much like you are simply waiting your life away. 

Recently as I was pondering these things, I was struck by the thought that God wants so much more out of me.  I'm not talking about the "big picture" of my life -- but the "right now."  Is dragging myself out of bed and trudging forward enough?  Was it His plan for me to merely go through the motions during the difficult days?  Does my suffering make me exempt from serving Him?

The answer to those questions is a bit hard for me to swallow.  I know God can use me in the midst of my pain, but my daily heartache makes it incredibly hard to see past my circumstances.  I want to be used, but my humanity keeps getting in the way.  There are many days when I can barely keep my head above water, which is something I so desperately want to change.  I'm tired of being sad.  I am weary and emotionally exhausted. 

I want more out of my life than to just survive it. I know there's so much more than what my eyes can see right now.  I can rest in the fact that now is not forever, but I need to remember that now is when God wants to use me.  I'm not sure how, or what it's going to look like when He does, but my prayer is for Him to use me where I am -- in spite of my pain.  I truly believe that He will if I let Him... and if I ask for His grace to change me and give me the strength that only He can give. 

More to This Life
by Steve Curtis Chapman

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
But they all looked at me as if to say
Life just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,
Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on.

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,
And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,
But in the morning light it looks the same;
Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family, he takes care of his work,
And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;
And somehow he still feels a need to search,
But life just goes on.

But there's more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete;
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find
Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where He died.
He died...

To bring us more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

My One Word: The Un-Resolution

Here it is the beginning of the first full week of January, and I'm finally finishing up a post I've been working on since the beginning of this month.  Procrastinate much??

I can't remember the last time I made a New Year's resolution. I know people who take great joy in starting a fresh list of things they'd like to accomplish in the new year...  but that kind of thing doesn't work for me. 

At the beginning of last year, I heard about My One Word on the radio.  I remember thinking it was a good idea, but didn't give it much thought after that.  This year several of my friends have decided to participate, so I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

In case you're not familiar with the concept, here's a little blurb from the My One Word website:

It’s okay to want to be a better you—and the New Year is a natural time to start. The question is, how? My One Word replaces broken promises with a vision for real change. When you choose a single word, you have a single focus. You are moving toward the future rather than swearing off the past.

With My One Word, you’re right where God wants you: in His hands. And it’s not an extreme makeover we’re talking about. This year, the goal is to see His work in one area of your life.

I'd been wanting to find my word since the first of the year, but never really took the time to think and pray about it until a couple weeks ago.  One morning as I was driving to work, I asked God to show me my word just as Steven Curtis Chapman's "Great Expectations" came on the radio.  I've heard this song so many times, I didn't even pay attention...  until I heard the words to the chorus:

Believe the unbelievable
Receive the inconceivable
And see beyond my wildest imagination
Lord, I come with great expectations

And there it was.  Believe.

To be honest, I struggle with believing.  My heart knows what is true, but oftentimes my head just can't get on the same page.  I so desperately want my mind to be in sync with my heart, but I'm constantly fighting it.  It's my nature to over-analyze, rationalize, worry, question...

I'm facing things in my life that are harder than anything I ever imagined.  And not a day goes by that I don't wonder why.  I am confident I'll get through this.  I know things won't always seem so hopeless.  I know God is good and can work miracles.

Merriam-Webster defines "believe" like this: to accept something as true, genuine, or real; to have a firm conviction as to the goodness, efficacy, or ability of something.

I wish it was my nature to trust and believe.  But it's not in anyone's nature.  Believing is a choice.  When someone becomes a Christian, they choose to believe that Jesus died for their sins.  Those who believe that God does not exist are choosing to believe this way. 

Believing is a conscious decision.  Not everyone who is facing difficult situations in life will choose to believe that God is faithful and hasn't abandoned them.  But I do.  I choose to believe that God has a plan in all of this, and that He knows what He's doing.  I choose to believe that He holds my future, and that His promises are true.  I choose to believe that He is able to do immeasurably more than anything I could ever ask for or imagine.  I believe.

I Believe In Love (by BarlowGirl)

How long will my prayers seem unanswered
Is there still faith in me to reach the end
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
Its only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this Life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪ - ♫ - ♪

Hope

It's amazing to me that with the ending of one year and the beginning of a new one, I still find myself hopeful. 

Maybe this year will be different.  

Maybe this will be the year God gives me a child. 

You'd think that after 6 years I would have completely given up hope, but for some reason it's there. 

It keeps coming back.

Like heartburn.  ;o)

I'm not an overly optimistic person.  I don't think I'm a pessimist, but I do consider myself to be a realist.  When you look at all the facts in evidence, I shouldn't be very hopeful about 2011.  It actually annoys me a little that I am, especially considering what a difficult year 2010 was.

But the bottom line is that I'd rather have a sliver of hope than not have any at all.  Being completely devoid of hope would be a miserable way to live.  Which makes me sad for those who live without the hope of Christ.  I can't imagine living this life without the hope of heaven.  What would be the point?  But people do it every day.  When you take that into consideration, my hope to be a mother is insignificant, yet it cannot be ignored.  It is a God-given, natural longing, and the strongest desire of my heart. 

Ultimately, my hope rests in God.  He holds the future in His hands, and there's nothing I can do to change that.  Nor would I want to.  I have this verse hanging on my bathroom mirror, as a reminder of this.  I particularly like the way it reads in The Message, because it makes me feel like God is talking directly to me:

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."  Jeremiah 29:11

Perhaps that's why I hope.  God has a plan for my life.  It's obviously not turning out exactly the way I planned it, but it really wasn't mine to plan. 

God knows what He's doing.  He has it all planned out. 


And who knows...  Maybe it is part of His plan for me to become a mom next year. 

Maybe this next year will be different. 

I Celebrate The Day

I Celebrate The Day 
(Thiessen, Matthew Arnold)

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I've felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might really live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life
Pray for You to save my life
Pray for You to save my life

Not Forsaken

In case you haven't noticed, music is an essential part of my life.  It ministers to my soul like nothing else -- which is why I decided last year that I needed to switch to a mostly-Christian-music "diet."  I don't know if I could have survived without it. 

Okay.  Perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration... but you know what I mean.  ;o)

So much of my focus has been on music that is currently played on the radio, I had almost forgotten about some of the "oldies" that were staples in the house where I grew up.  My mom reminded me of a couple of those songs today, which I promptly purchased in iTunes tonight.  They're not by the same artist I sang along with as a little girl -- who, ironically, now sings opera (a genre that I do not enjoy.  At.  All.). 

Anyway...  :o)

This afternoon I asked my mom to tell me about a time which she considered to be the hardest in her life -- a time when she wondered if things were ever going to improve, since that's where I find myself now.  After she shared her answer, she said that when she was going through her lowest point she "lived" this song:

Praise the Lord
(Brown Bannister, Mike Hudson)

When you're up against a struggle
That shatters all your dreams
And your hopes have been cruelly crushed
By Satan's manifested scheme
And you feel the urge within you
To submit to earthly fears
Don't let the faith you're standing in, seem to disappear

(Chorus)

Praise the Lord
He can work through those who praise Him,
Praise the Lord
For our God inhabits praise,
Praise the Lord
For the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him

Talk about hitting home.  Struggles?  Check.  Shattered dreams?  Check, check.  Cruelly crushed hopes?  Check, check, check.  I can't tell you how many times I listened to this song tonight, with tears streaming down my face.  "For the chains that seem to bind you, serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you when you praise Him!" 

As if that wasn't convicting enough, my Mother Dearest later emailed me the name of another song that I had forgotten, which was also on that same cassette tape:

I've Never Seen the Righteous Forsaken
(Dallas Holm)

O, I know you may get weary,
And the times they may get rough.
You may not have all you want,
But you'll always have enough.
And when your darkest hour comes,
Just remember what I said:
I've never seen the righteous forsaken,
Or their seed begging for bread!

O, I know it seems so hopeless,
And you don't know what to pray.
You've done all you know to do,
And it seems there's just no way.
And when you feel you're at the end,
Just remember what I said:
I've never seen the righteous forsaken,
Or their seed begging for bread!

I've never seen God's people
With a need that He could not meet!
I know that He cares for His own,
And His promises He'll keep.

So just hold on a little longer
The answer's soon to come.
The endless waiting's almost over,
The victory's almost won.
And when again you feel His joy,
You'll remember what I said:
I've never seen the righteous forsaken,
Or their seed begging for bread!

I am not forsaken.  That's straight from the Bible, friends.  Psalm 37:25 says, "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." 

Sometimes it's hard to remember this truth when the ugliness of life smacks you right in the face.  But God is bigger than this life.  And He has NOT forsaken me. 

Take that, Satan.  I refuse to believe your lies.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

I Believe

When I wrote about my favorite Christmas songs last week, I completely forgot about this one by Natalie Grant.  It is a moving and powerful song that beautifully tells of both the birth and death of my Savior.

but it's more than a fable... 

and it’s more than a fairytale... 

and more than my mind can conceive...

It is important not to forget why He came -- to die for you and me. 

Music & Creation

I love music.  Over the past year, I have gone from a "diet" of mostly country to almost exclusively Christian music.  This shift happened gradually, and it wasn't really something I planned to do.  It stemmed from the grief I was experiencing due to my infertility.  When a Christian goes through difficult times, they tend to react in one of two ways: 1 - turn away from God, or 2 - turn toward Him.  I chose the latter, and I'm so glad I did.  I can't imagine going through those months without Him by my side, and I certainly don't want to go through any future struggles without Him.

Christian music has helped me to keep that focus.  Since music is almost a constant in my life, it's not unusual for the lyrics that I've allowed to penetrate my mind to randomly pop into my head throughout the day.  I needed those lyrics to be positive and encouraging.  I still listen to non-Christian stuff.  I didn't swear off anything and everything "worldly" (as if there was ever any question about that!).  I just feel it is important to make a conscious choice to fill my mind with lyrics that are God-honoring, worshipful, and prayerful.  Especially prayerful.  I've found so much comfort and hope in music during times when my heart was aching so badly I didn't even know how to pray.  I thank God for the songwriters He's blessed with such amazing talent - everyone from the hymnwriters of old to those of today.

Lately I've found myself drawn to songs that talk about God's creation.  Some are new; some not so new.  Here are a few of my favorites:

The classic hymn, The Love of God, was penned by Fred­er­ick M. Leh­man in the early 1900s, but has been recorded by many artists and groups over the years (my current favorite is the MercyMe version).  When I sing along with this song, I can clearly see these images in my mind, which makes it come to life even more.  I just love how picturesque this verse is:  "Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made.  Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade.  To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry; nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky."

I love the descriptiveness of the words from Phillips, Craig & Dean's Revelation Song: "Clothed in rainbows, of living color, flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder.  Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be to You the Only Wise King."

A fairly new song that is getting a lot of air time right now is Starry Night by artist Chris August: "From the birds that sing in the tallest trees, to the human life of you and me.  From the desert sands to the place we stand.  He is God of all. He is everything. I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the moon reflect the sun, every Starry Night.  That was His design." 

Perhaps the song that communicates the point of this post best is Light Up the Sky by The Afters: "You light up the sky to show me You are with me. I can't deny, no I can't deny that You are right here with me. You've opened my eyes so I can see You all around me. Light up the sky, You light up the sky to show me that You are with me."

I can't tell you how many times this last song has gone through my mind as I was driving down the road in a rain storm, watching lightning shoot across the sky.  God is powerful, my friends!  And He is there, whether we feel like He is or not.  I see Him in ever beautiful sunset, and when I watch rays of sunshine streaming through billowy clouds. I think that's why God made His creation so beautiful.  He wants us to remember He is here.  And I'm thankful for the music that helps remind me of this fact.

I'll close with these words from one of my all-time favorite hymns:

How Great Thou Art
Lyrics ~ Carl Boberg, 1859 - 1940
Stanza 1:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The works Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars,
I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy pow'r throughout
The universe displayed; 

Stanza 2:
When through the woods
And forest glades I wander
I hear the birds
Sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down
From lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook
And feel the gentle breeze; 

Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!