NINE

Nine years ago today, I married the love of my life.  And I'm so happy that I did.  I really, truly am.  I love Scott with all my heart, and can't imagine a more perfect match for me.

But even in the midst of this happiness, a little sadness has wormed its way into my heart.  I feel guilty for even admitting that, because I have single friends who would be perfectly content to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

Somewhere along the line, infertility changed my viewpoint on celebrations such as these.  I wish this weren't true, but with every anniversary... every birthday... every Christmas... I am reminded that yet another year has gone by... another milestone has passed... without a child in our lives.  And unless you've experienced it yourself, you can't imagine how much that hurts.  Former First Lady Laura Bush understands this pain, and she describes it more eloquently than I ever could:

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

I never in my worst nightmare imagined that I'd be married NINE years and not have a child.

Yet, here I am.

Here we are.

I am incredibly thankful that Scott & I are in this together.  I know that sounds silly, since I obviously wouldn't be struggling with infertility if I weren't married.  What I mean is that I'm glad that Scott is the one that is on this journey with me.  We are stronger together, and I can't imagine going through this without him.

I'm not posting all of this to get sympathy or advice.  Neither of those things can fix the situation we are in.  I know God has a plan, and I'm trying to wait on Him and trust that plan.  But the waiting is hard.  And today's society makes it even harder.  Everywhere I look there are constant, daily reminders that make it impossible to ignore the fact that I do not have a child.  I'm learning to cope with that.  But when these milestones come, it gets increasingly harder. Especially when with each year, another nail is hammered into the coffin that is my womb (anyone have one I can borrow??).  ;o)

I sent an email to a friend a year ago, expressing how difficult anniversaries were becoming, and she suggested I make a list of things about my husband that I am grateful for, one for each year we have been married.  So, this is my NINE:

1. He loves me just the way I am.  I was a "fat girl" when he married me, and he would have been 100% satisfied with me if I had never lost any weight.  I love him for that.  ♥
2. He is driven and always trying to better himself.
3. He pulls his weight around the house.  The chores are pretty much split 50-50, although often I feel like he does more than me...
4. He's just the right amount of lazy, which makes this lazy girl feel less lazy!
5. He makes me laugh.
6. He's an animal lover.
7. He tolerates my crazy mood swings, but will call my bluff if he needs to.
8. He's cute.  :o)
9. He's smart.  I mean really smart.  Like I-don't-know-how-all-that-knowledge-fits-into-one-brain smart.  You should be impressed.

Well, that was more than enough sap and gloominess for one day, wasn't it?  I promise not to go off on tangents with too much frequency.  Sometimes it's just nice to dump out all the thoughts that are whirling around in my head, whether they end up making sense or not!  :o)

If you're a sucker for sap and just can't get enough, check out this Michael Bublé song.  It has kind of become the theme song for where Scott & I are in our lives right now:

Didn't they always say we were the lucky ones.
I guess that we were once, babe, we were once,
but luck will leave you cursed, it is a faithless friend,
and in the end, when life has got you down,
you've got someone here that you can wrap your arms around.

So hold on to me tight,
hold on to me tonight.
We are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
So hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.

There's a thousand ways for things to fall apart,
but it's no ones fault, no it's not my fault.
Maybe all the plans we made might not work out,
but I have no doubt, even though it's hard to see.
I've got faith in us, and I believe in you and me.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz it's you and me together,
and baby all we've got is time.
So hold on to me,
hold on to me tonight.

There's so many dreams that we have given up.
Take a look at all we've got,
and with this kind of love,
and what we've got here is enough.

So hold on to me tight.
Hold on, I promise it will be alright.
Cuz we are stronger here together,
than we could ever be alone.
Just hold on to me,
don't you ever let me go.
Hold on to me, it's gonna be alright.
Hold on to me tonight.

They always say, we were the lucky ones.