Do you want to hear my truth? My ugly truth?
Sometimes I just want to give up.
Sometimes I want to throw in the towel.
Sometimes I wish we could just move on with our lives.
Sometimes the thought of being on the "other side" of infertility sounds amazing... whether it's with or without children... simply because I want all of this to be over.
It's hard to have hope when you've been waiting for a number of years. It's hard to believe things will ever be different when nothing changes. It's hard to be hopeful, even when you can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm tired of the ride. I don't know how much longer I will have the strength to stay on this roller coaster. Call me selfish, but I NEED to know there is an end... that someday the pain will be over.
I know there will still be pain in my life. I'm am just so very weary of this pain... this sadness...
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.
I know, I know... there's a week for everything these days, but infertility is something that is often ignored because nobody -- on either side of the equation -- wants to talk about it.
It's painful.
It's uncomfortable.
It's private.
It's personal.
With infertility numbers on the rise, it's very likely that someone you know is affected... but they may not be talking about it with anyone, and maybe not even admitting it to themselves.
Can I ask a favor of you? Reach out to one of these individuals and show them that you care. Don't pretend to understand their pain; just tell them you're sorry that they're hurting. The pain of infertility is excruciating, and it changes you whether you want it to or not.
It's an exhausting way to live, because it's a reality that constantly weighs on you and there is no escape.
However... I am still thankful.
I'm determined to praise God, even when I don't feel like it, because He is good.
I will survive, even if I don't end up with a child in my arms.
I am not consumed. His mercies are new every morning. He is faithful.
For all these things... I am forever grateful.
6 comments:
This is beautiful and poignant. Well said, my sweet friend. Well said.
Esther, this is beautiful. And I am totally with you on wanting to get to the "other side" - with or without children. I am so weary of my infertility-coloured glasses!
God's strength to you.
Esther,
While I haven't felt this pain in the area of infertility, I have felt what you describe when I was watching my dying baby in the NICU...and then on the other side, wondering what her life will be like living with half of a heart.
I cried when I read your post because the pain is so real, but somehow that intensity brings about a reality of what we were created to be. We are forced back to the fact that we were created as sinless human beings and not as we are now-so marred by sin. It makes us long for HOME and the day that we'll have perfect bodies. It forces us to realize our own inadaquecies and trust our Perfect Creator. It allows us to shine as pure gold after we have been put through the fire.
You've summed it up well sister. Praying for you. Thanks for sharing yourself.
This is perfect (and the graphics are perfect too)...I agree about the "everything has a week now" line. But IF truly is under-recognized as you stated. Hugs.
E-
I LOVED this. and I love you.
Thank you for this.
I understand.
And I hate it all.
I guess one day it will all be over, and there will be resolution. I'm scared that that resolution might not be what I want though. :(
Thank you
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