First {Mother's Day}

Tomorrow will be my very first Mother's Day with a living, breathing child.  Well, last year she was living, just not breathing air.  ;)  I haven't written about our little girl yet on this blog, but she made her entrance into this world on Friday, August 23, at 4:44 pm.  You can read my account of her birth story on our surrogacy blog, if you haven't already. 

I am immeasurably grateful to have the privilege of being AJ's mom. 

Every day she makes me smile. 

She is my dream come true. 

I had just about given up on ever becoming a mom, which is why it still doesn't seem real to me at times.  She's not talking yet, but I know the day she calls me "Mommy" will be an amazing one. 

My Mother's Day gift(s).

I'm definitely not dreading Mother's Day like I once did.  It will feel odd to not skip church this year, and even more odd to be acknowledged as a mom by those around me.  It took a long time for me to feel like a mom.  I just recently stopped feeling like an imposter when I walked into the baby section at the store.  I no longer cringe when someone asks me how many kids I have.  But I'm still constantly aware of those I left behind because I lived in that anguish for 8 excruciating years. 

I will never forget what that was like.

This year my heart is also heavy for a close family friend whose grown daughter died last month, and for the family of my mom's best friend who passed away last weekend - both unexpectedly.  Yesterday was the funeral for my mom's friend and afterward I went to lunch with my parents, sister-in-law, and the friend who lost her daughter last month.  It felt strange being greeted by the cheerful, smiling faces of the restaurant staff considering we had all been crying tears just minutes earlier.  I certainly didn't feel like smiling back, but of course they had no idea what was going on in our lives.  At the end of our meal when our server wished all of the ladies at our table a Happy Mother's Day I smiled on the outside while my heart ached on the inside, thinking of these families whose Mother's Days will never be the same again. 

It would be foolish of me to expect the world to walk on eggshells in an attempt to avoid inflicting pain on someone else.  That would be an exercise in futility since the sad reality is that life is painful.  Holidays can be painful.  Even a casual conversation about everyday things can cause someone pain.  The only thing we can do is try to be aware that everyone is dealing with some kind of difficulty and be sensitive to those whose situations we do know about.

It may seem odd to some that I still have mixed feelings about Mother's Day, but years of infertility makes it impossible to forget where you once were.  It changes you unlike anything else.  That doesn't mean I'm living in the past, nor does it mean I don't love my own mom or think that moms shouldn't be celebrated on a special day.  I just wish it could be done in such a way that it didn't alienate those who find the day difficult. 

I am going to joyfully celebrate Mother's Day tomorrow.  I waited a long time to be a mom so I'm not about to pretend this day is not important to me.  But I'm also not going to forget those who struggle with it.

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