More to This Life

Every morning I begrudgingly wake up, crawl out of bed, and begin another day of life as I know it.  It's far from exciting, this life I lead.  Not by my own choosing, mind you.  I wish my days were full of chaos and noise as I try to get my kids ready for school.  I would love to jump out of bed on a run each day because I don't know how in the world I will be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done.  I want to pack lunches, wipe runny noses, break up fights, go to PTA meetings, be a full-time chauffeur, plan birthday parties, face a mountain of never-ending laundry... the whole nine yards.  THAT was the life I always dreamed of.  I know that very few people are truly living the life of their dreams, but it does seem like most are able to at the very least become parents. 

But not me.  And not many of the sweet ladies who read this blog.  What we long for, we cannot obtain. 

When I was growing up, the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom.  I do believe in my heart that some day this will happen, but I also know that there are no guarantees.  My journey thus far has been vastly different from what I expected, and God's plan for my life could very well continue to be different from my own. 

To be completely honest, most days I feel like I'm just going through the motions.  Life continues to go on around me as I struggle to make it through yet another day. When you are living with infertility, it feels very much like you are simply waiting your life away. 

Recently as I was pondering these things, I was struck by the thought that God wants so much more out of me.  I'm not talking about the "big picture" of my life -- but the "right now."  Is dragging myself out of bed and trudging forward enough?  Was it His plan for me to merely go through the motions during the difficult days?  Does my suffering make me exempt from serving Him?

The answer to those questions is a bit hard for me to swallow.  I know God can use me in the midst of my pain, but my daily heartache makes it incredibly hard to see past my circumstances.  I want to be used, but my humanity keeps getting in the way.  There are many days when I can barely keep my head above water, which is something I so desperately want to change.  I'm tired of being sad.  I am weary and emotionally exhausted. 

I want more out of my life than to just survive it. I know there's so much more than what my eyes can see right now.  I can rest in the fact that now is not forever, but I need to remember that now is when God wants to use me.  I'm not sure how, or what it's going to look like when He does, but my prayer is for Him to use me where I am -- in spite of my pain.  I truly believe that He will if I let Him... and if I ask for His grace to change me and give me the strength that only He can give. 

More to This Life
by Steve Curtis Chapman

Today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
And I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
But they all looked at me as if to say
Life just goes on.

The old familiar story told in different ways,
Make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
Dream your dreams tomorrow because today
Life must go on.

But there’s more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

Tonight he lies in silence staring into space,
And looks for ways to make tomorrow better than today,
But in the morning light it looks the same;
Life just goes on.

He takes care of his family, he takes care of his work,
And every Sunday morning he takes his place at the church;
And somehow he still feels a need to search,
But life just goes on.

But there's more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.

So where do we start to find every part
Of what makes this life complete;
If we turn our eyes to Jesus we’ll find
Life’s true beginning is there at the cross where He died.
He died...

To bring us more to this life than living and dying,
More than just trying to make it through the day;
More to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,
And there’s more than this life alone can be.