Then of course there's the ever-present burden of infertility. Sometimes this journey feels like it's draining the very life out of me, especially when I stop and think about how long we've been on this road. Six years. Six years of waiting, hoping, praying, begging, pleading, treating, spending... all to no avail.
Last month was the one-year anniversary of our one-and-only IVF cycle (invitro fertilization). Many people go through IVF as a last-ditch effort. Due to my age and deteriorating reproductive system, it was our only shot. Unfortunately, it didn't work, and my heart aches every day for the children we lost. There are many times when it takes all my strength just to get through the day without dissolving into tears.
Frequently when I find myself this weary, I breathe the words of the Mark Schultz song, He Is, as a prayer:
"Father let the world just fade away.
Let me feel your presence in this place.
Lord, I've never been so weary;
How I need to know You're near me..."
One thing I've noticed is that whenever I pray, "Lord, I've never been so weary," it's not long before I'm singing/praying it again, and I'm even more weary than the previous time. It's hard not to wonder if I will ever get to the point where I'm not continuing to get more and more weary...
I'm not going to lie and say I'm content with where I am in life right now. I am in a dark, sad place, and I'm often totally engulfed by my sorrow. I'm tired of feeling this way; it's exhausting. Just when I think I'm not strong enough to go through this anymore, it dawns on me that I don't have to be.
I am not alone.
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
I do not have to be strong enough.
"He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless." Isaiah 40:29
"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."
Psalm 46:1
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
Why is it that I always seem to forget these things? Why do I give my problems to Him, but then promptly take them back and try to manage them myself? When am I going to learn that He will carry my burdens for me, if I let Him?
"Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you." Psalm 55:22
That Mark Schultz song continues,
"Father, let the world just fade away,
'Til I'm on my knees...
'Til my heart can sing:
He is,
He was,
He always will be.
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me,
Be still, my soul... He is."
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me...
Even when I am trying to deal with things through my own strength...
Even when I don't understand why my life has turned out this way...
Jesus is holding me.
"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1
9 comments:
OMW, Esther. I love that song and I cling to it as well in my dark moments. The part that ministers to me the most is "Even when it feels like there is no one holding me...He is" We can't get through this without God, yet sometimes it is so hard to believe his promises, like Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28, when it seems as if God is withholding the very thing we want the most with no easily discernable reason. Something that comes so very easily for so many people. Something that most people don't or won't try to understand. Something that God tells us is a blessing and a gift from Him.
One verse that I really cling to in my most painful moments is Psalm 27:13: I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. A friend who also went through infertility shared that with me, and emphasized God's promise that we WILL see his goodness in our lifetime. Unfortunately, it may not be in the way we want to see it right now.
I'm so sorry about your lost children. My husband and I lost 9 and I think about them all the time. The pain is always there lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, waiting to jump out at me in a vulnerable moment.
I'm praying for you, dear friend! I really hope and pray that you see the goodness of the Lord in the way that your heart most desires.
Love & hugs,
Janet
Ps. 27:3...do you remember Mr. Jones quoting that verse in chapel? Everytime I read that I think of him.
Anyway, hugs to you & prayers for you! While we chose not to do the IVF stuff, the "no" month after month after month was still hard. So, know that when I pray for you, I pray with the same ferver I prayed for our family.
Beautiful, dear one...
Esther,
I can't imagine the heartache that you are continually going through with everything moving in your life (or, not moving, if that's the case). Your strength is evident to me, even if it's not always evident to you. I'm so sorry for all of the tough times these days. You are often on my mind, in my prayers.
(((Esther))) This is beautiful! I have forgotten so many times myself, and then when it dawns on me that I'm trying to do it myself I am just as surprised as you. I have so been there done that.
Beautiful song, verses, and post. Love you, friend.
((((Esther)))) Love ya Friend! I read your blog and I could not agree more. I am still having good and bad days. You just captured how I fell some days!
Thanks for the reminders of His Presence and love in our lives despite shattered dreams. I really like the verses form the song you posted! HUGS and love! Laura
Dark places...filled with lies of aloneness. I get that. They can swallow you whole, can't they? I honestly wonder if this isn't why God gifted us music. Somehow, songs of His other-ness draw us,if not *out*, at least to a different place. Again, His goodness reaches out to us.
I <3 your honesty. Sometimes, it's just hard. And sometimes, it's just harder. It just is.
Love,
-J
Keep hanging on, Esther. I can't pretend to imagine what you are going through with the struggle and weight of being childless right now. I do understand the moving part though and having your husband so far away with all the hosue stuff falling on you. Can I encourage you with the reality that I am experiencing after having come out on the other side of trying to move, doing it all by myself, etc.? I am so thankful for that long 6 months! My mom reminded me at the beginning of the moving process that even though this felt like a miserable time in my life, I should embrace it and get as much out of it as I could with regard to letting God use this time however He saw fit. And my faith was strengthened in a way that couldn't have happened if I hadn't been in the situation we were in. did I cry most every day? yes. Did some days seem unbearable? yes. but i am so thankful for every day. Even those days were I bascially did nothing but cry or be weary - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I plan on holding onto that experience and treasuring it, even though at the time I didn't see how it would ever end. I know that you are dealing with a lot more than just this move, but you are right - you are not alone and He will be everything you need to be for each day or each hour or even each second (because I know there were days that every second felt agonizing). Hugs to you and I continue to be praying for you!
{{{HUGS}}}
I'm feeling weary in other areas and these verses really encouraged me today. My heart hurts for you in the burdens and pain and grief that is the daily reality of infertility. {{{hug}}}
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